


Dear Steve

by Janatee



Series: Captain Hill [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aromantic Maria Hill, F/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 15:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3072668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janatee/pseuds/Janatee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maria writes Steve a letter saying all the things she can’t find the heart to tell him in person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Steve

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for cmdrhillandco for the Captain Hill Secret Santa and was originally posted on soufflesimmons.tumblr.com

_Dear Steve,_

Dear Steve? Yeah, Maria could say that. Right? She hadn’t been overthinking this?

 

She put a “ _?_ ” right after it, marking lightly with the pencil so she could erase it later. She had told herself she wouldn’t leave the office until she finished this note. It was 23:14 already. She kneaded the heel of her hand into her eye socket, shook her head, and went back to writing.

 

_I just want to warn you: I’m very bad with words. And this may be more of a surprise than you expected. Maybe I’ve been reading things wrong. Despite what you may think, that’s always a possibility._

 

Was humor appropriate? Screw it, she just needed to get this out.

 

_I’ve noticed we’ve been getting closer and_

Maria flipped the pencil over, and scrubbed the eraser across the line. “Getting closer” really didn’t cover it. Damn, words really weren’t her forte.

 

_You’re really important to me and_

Way too forward. What does that even mean? That’s not the type of thing you say with words. She erased the line again, sending pink bits scattered across the page. She brushed them off with the back of her hand and started over.

 

_For your own sake, I wanted to tell you something. We’ve been getting closer ever since_

She stopped again, unsure of how to finish.

 

Ever since the mission with the Winter Soldier? Ever since S.H.I.E.L.D. collapsed, and he was the only person doing the right thing that wasn’t dead?

 

Or was it before that? Back when the Chitari invaded? God, it probably was. She thought he was Fury’s biggest mistake, star-spangled naiveté storming the helicarrier. But he turned out to be the only soldier in the bunch. She’d heard what he said to Stark. That sometimes you can’t save everyone. Sometimes you just have to put emotions behind you and do your job. That was when he stopped being an icon and started being…well, she wasn’t quite sure yet.

 

_We’ve been getting closer ever since S.H.I.E.L.D. decided you were the man for the job. And you’ve been treating me different from other people. Some days I don’t know what in the hell it means, but that much is true._

 

When she though Fury was dead and her whole world had been torn apart, he made sure she was okay. He didn’t go easy on her. None of that “if you want to sit this one out,” because it wasn’t something she could sit out. But when all she was used to was customary nods and get-the-job-done, he was a breath of humanity in a crumbling world.

 

_You looked at me as a whole person, and not just a good agent. You made sure I was okay, when nobody else did. I probably bit your head off at the time, but I appreciated it._

_But since then, I’ve noticed something different about you. I’m no good with this kind of thing; I’m really not, but I get the feeling you’re more than a little romantically attached to me._

How arrogant could she sound? She ripped the eraser across the page, wiping out her lack of eloquence. This was the hard part. What if she was wrong? What if the boys she’d been with in the past were different, and he was just kind to everyone? Obviously, he was different, but-in what ways? She couldn’t tell. She couldn’t understand it in herself, so how on earth was she supposed to understand it in him?

 

_You’ve been making somewhat romantic gestures for a while now. Don’t take this the wrong way, but_

She stared at a point on the wall in front of her and focused on it. This was the hard part.

_Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t like that kind of thing. Just, in general. I don’t get romantically close to people. I never have. I just don’t understand it, and I’m okay with that. Maybe I suffered unfixable trauma, maybe there’s a switch that never go turned on in my brain somewhere. I don’t honestly know, but here I am._

She stopped writing, then forced herself to keep going, forced herself to drag the pencil across the page. Just one more line. One thing at a time. She’d already made it this far.

 

_But the thing is,_

 

What was the thing? How could she possibly putt this into words?

 

_But the thing is, it’s okay. Because it’s you. Because getting close to you is one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I love being around you, no matter what that looks like. I have more respect for you that I can express, and when I’m around you it just fits._

_You’re safe. I’ve never had a safe person, not since I joined S.H.I.EL.D. I’ve had people I trust, sure, but there was always an extra filter, and extra layer there of professionalism. You aren’t like that._

She sounded like such an idiot, knew she was rambling. She pictured him reading these words and she winced. She couldn’t think about that.

 

_What I’m trying to say is, it’s okay. If you want a romantic relationship,_

Her breath hitched.

 

_If you want a romantic relationship, I’m all for it. I do like some parts of it. I like wearing your jacket, fitting behind you on your motorcycle, and sharing a just-us space that nobody else can penetrate. It’s special. I would be crushed if anything happened to you, or us. We’re so close, and I just want to spend time with you, even if it’s nice. You’re safe. And I’m repeating myself, so I’d better wrap this up._

_What I’m trying to say is, I love you. Just maybe not in the way I think you love me. And I’m okay with that; I just needed you to know. And I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you to your face. I’m just scared, which is,_

Which is what? She erased the line, smearing gray across the already-messy page. Just end it already.

_Love,_

She hesitated. No, that wasn’t right.

 

_Regards,_

Definitely wrong.

 

_Your friend,_

Even worse.

 

_Sincerely,_

What was she doing? She considered not closing it, just signing her name, but she had to say something; she knew he’d overthink it otherwise.

Something kind, but not pushy. Something true. She picked up her pencil again, and squeezed in her name at the bottom of the page.

 

_Yours regardless,_

_Maria_

 

**Epilogue**

 

“Agent Hill, Captain Rogers is here to see you,” said JARVIS. Maria snapped up from her work. All the nerves she’d been ignoring all morning came right back in a flood. _She’d been so vulnerable; what was she thinking; she’d ruined it, ruined-_

Steve ran into the room and stopped short in front of her desk.

“I got your letter,” he breathed, “It’s okay. I don’t hold that against you at all.”

Maria couldn’t’ believe it. Suddenly that weight was gone and she wanted to either ride a rollercoaster or sleep for three days. He kept talking, but she didn’t hear his words, just tried to hold it together.

 “We’ll figure it out from here,” he finished, “but we’ll figure it out knowing we have each other’s back.”

“Thank you Steve,” she said, smiling like she hadn’t in a long time.

 

 

 


End file.
